Vulcan Stev's Database

It's a BLOG Captain, but not as we know it.

Thoughts as I enter my 43rd year as a widower.

It’s 12:30 in the morning on the 14th.  I have been 43 years old for thirty minutes now.  In another fifty minutes I’ll have been a widower/single parent for exactly forty-eight hours.  My brain is mush but I can’t sleep.

I’m writing this mainly to try to make some sense of things.

I’ve had folks who have told me that they were praying for Virginia’s healing and that they were so sorry that God chose not to heal her.  Stop right there.  God has healed my wife.  She is in a place where the cancer is no longer part of her.  She is once again whole.  She has been healed just not in the way we might have expected or wanted for that matter.  I have been told by every doctor we talked to that liver cancer is one of the more painful cancers a person can endure.  If that is true than I am thankful that Virginia did not have to suffer long.  I miss her but we’ll have very few memories of Virginia’s shell, unlike my Grandmother Nibbelink who spent most of my life confined to a couch and barely able to move.

Would Grandma N. say that her life was wasted just because she spent the better part of two decades unable to breathe without oxygen or unable to walk more than the few steps from her bedroom to her bathroom and back?  No, she’d be the first to tell you that she lots of time to spend talking to God.  However her children and (most of) her grandchildren have plenty of memories of Grandma at her most vibrant.

I am very thankful that P.I.T. #3 (Chris) does not carry the burden of most of his “Mommy Memories” being of her as an invalid in a bed or on a couch.

Pvt. Black Spartan (Janae) has matured in the year that she has been in Uncle Sam’s (that would be the army and not Virginia’s brother) care and tutelage.  She has stepped in and taken some of the burden of dealing with life off of her father’s shoulders.  I thank God for my baby girl.

PIT #2 (Gerrit) has been somewhat of an enigma during this time.  I can tell he’s hurting but he’s got his father’s mis-guided notion that “Men Aren’t Supposed to CRY”.  I know my son and can tell when he’s not happy, right now he’s not.  I haven’t seen him cry yet but then he  probably is thinking “Dad is falling apart and I need to be strong for him”

Most of the immediate family from both sides are in town.  My brother will get here tomorrow and Virginia’s brother Sam finally got here today, in his haste he mis-booked a flight and was stuck in Denver for a couple of hours.

The boys and I have taken a pledge to keep the house from looking like it was the sole domain of three bachelors.  I don’t know how we’re gonna pull that off.  We’ve had friends (thank you) over helping us make it look nice now.

I honestly cannot comprehend the outpouring of love and generosity from all walks of our lives.  PIT #3’s school has taken it upon themselves to make sure that not only are me and the kids fed during this time but my parent and siblings and Virginia’s parents and siblings as well.  Thank you to TCS

Churches that we have attended in the past are taking up collections to help with funeral expenses.  The RPG community has set up a fund for donations (Dudes and Dudettes, I’m touched).  Each of the schools that Virginia interpreted for is getting unsolicited donations from their students.  I don’t know if I’ll EVER be able to thank every one individually for all they have done, are doing, and have pledged to do.   Each of those donations will be a very big help as Virginia missed the last month of her contract and I’ve basically taken a two-week unpaid vacation.  I’m overwhelmed and humbled, may God bless each and every one of you.

We found out that Virginia did have a life insurance policy.  Enough that once it comes through some of the larger recent expenditures (medical, funeral, etc.) can be paid off without my having to sell myself and the boys into slavery.  We might even have enough to take a vacation with Pvt Black Spartan to a gaming con (any suggestions?)

I’m still not excited about raising two boys by myself.  I’m not excited at all about the loneliness at night.  I’m realizing just how much of a rock Virginia was in my life and I don’t look forward to the future months once the flush of her passing has been forgotten.

I do not expect, nor do I want meals to continued to be provided for us, our home cleaned by others, the laundry done….  Eventually the extended family needs to return to their lives.  Gerrit, Chris and I will need to learn to get by on our own.  I’m not looking forward to that either.

So here I sit in (now 1:00 am) my chair.  My kids are taking me to see Iron Man 2 for my birthday.  I need my sleep for today will be busy.  I don’t want to go to bed because I’m getting lost in the queen sized area without my partner to snuggle against.  I’m trying to make myself sleepy enough now so I can go to bed without having to read one of my comic books to wind down.  (I ruined a Batman graphic novel because I wound down enough I fell asleep in it and drooled).

I miss my wife.

May 14, 2010 - Posted by | Life near an Iowa Cornfield, Mrs. Vulcan Stev's Fight, Vulcan Stev, Vulcan Stev Family Journey | , , , ,


  1. It might seem wrong right now to wish you a happy birthday Steve, but I’m going to do just that.

    Happy Birthday man. It might sound cliché so say it, but today really is the first day of the rest of your life, a new life that is bound to be very different to the one that has gone before. A rebirth, in many ways. Maybe I should wish you a Happy Rebirthday instead.

    Yes, there’s going to be pain along the way. I don’t doubt that for a second and I know you recognize that too. Few births are painless, and the one you’re enduring is no exception. The friends and family which surround you are your midwives. Trust them to do what they need to, and they will help you endure. God has put them there for a reason.

    Welcome to your new life, friend. Make Virginia proud.

    All the best,


    Comment by greywulf | May 14, 2010

  2. Happy birthday Steve. I’m so glad you guys are doing something special for your day. Wishing you all the warm and fuzzy stuff you can handle.

    Comment by cassey | May 14, 2010

  3. I wish I had something witty or insightful, but at this time I cannot muster anything that beyond the fact that I’m saddened by your loss and I’m glad that Virginia is no longer suffering. “Luminous beings are we, not these fleshy things.”

    Secondly I wanted you to know that I was thinking of you on your birthday. Happy, probably not due to the fact that there were rituals and rites that have probably been put into place by you and Virginia for quite some time.

    Be strong when you have to Steve, but I’ll tell you this for certain even though you have me by three years (almost to the day, mine is on the 29th), it is all right for men to cry.

    I’m sure that your day will have highs and lows as you and yours ride the rails of the roller coaster. Have the best day that you possibly can.

    Comment by Gary Weller | May 14, 2010

  4. Like the Wulf said, it seems wrong to wish you a happy birthday today. I will say that I am thinking of you today, and pray that you will seize the opportunity to disconnect for ~2.5 hours and enjoy the movie and time with your kids.

    Comment by cleireac | May 14, 2010

  5. Dear Steve,

    I just want to let you know that my thoughts and prayers are with you. I know from experiance how hard birthdays and special occasions like Christmas can be after you have lost someone. I hope that you have a great day today with your family, and I wish you a very happy birthday.

    Comment by SteveB | May 14, 2010

  6. Enjoy Iron Man. Enjoy spending time with your kids. Enjoy as much as you can. It’s a bittersweet birthday, but it’s your birthday. It’s the anniversary of the day G-d put you on this planet, and that’s well worth celebrating.

    Comment by Berin Kinsman | May 14, 2010

  7. Amen to “God has healed my wife” and your general response to those comments.

    I’ve been a widower now for a year and two months… and even having been in a similar situation, I still don’t know what to say… except that I’ll continue to keep you in my prayers.

    Comment by Josh | May 14, 2010

  8. Best to you and your family. I’m 43 too and I don’t know what I’d do without my wife. I wish you strength and peace.

    Comment by Jim | May 14, 2010

  9. A happy birthday to you, as good as it can be in your situation. You are a strong man and are strong for your boys. I wish you good luck and happier times!

    Comment by Nele Abels | May 15, 2010

  10. Thank you all for the Birthday wishes. It was a very bittersweet birthday. Amidst all the hoopla surrounding funeral preperations. The birhtday was nearly forgotten by most. I’m not upset by that fact. I wouldn’t put it past everyone to be planning on making a big deal out of two years from now.

    @Greywulf – Isn’t it amazing how folks can become friends over the internet without knowing the indentity of the other. I’m honored.

    @Cassey – Thank you.

    @Gary – May birthdays are the best. Mine occasional gets celebraed by taking Mom out to lunch and yours gets celebrated with fireworks. Also, Lucas got it more correct than he realizes.

    @Hank – It was a good movie. I missed the part of having to explain things to Gin quietly througout.

    @Steve B – This summer, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and her birthday haven’t even popped up on my radar. Those aren’t bound to be any easier.

    @Josh – Amen to that Amen. If I haven’t stopped by your place(blog) once things settle down, remind me. It sounds like we have a lot in common.

    @Jim – Thank you.

    @Nele – I sure wish I felt as strong as everyone thinks I am. 8)
    @Berin – It was rather bittersweet. It was nice just not the same.

    Comment by Vulcan Stev | May 16, 2010

  11. Sorry for the late birthday wishes, but I wish them to you anyway. You remain in my thoughts.


    Comment by Matt | May 17, 2010

  12. Sorry I too am late, but happy birthday. I have been following, but life keeps me from visiting daily. Your ordeal has touched many, and as has been said before, your willingness to allow us to see your example is astounding. Stay strong, God be with you.


    Comment by Don | May 23, 2010

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