Vulcan Stev's Database

It's a BLOG Captain, but not as we know it.

What I’ve learned from my in-box

I want to thank everyone for the educational e-mails over the past year. I am now totally prepared to face the 21st century.

I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, I ask the waitress to not put lemon slices in my ice water.  Thus I no longer have to worry about strange bacteria on the lemon peel or doorknob.

I don’t use the remote in a hotel room because I don’t know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I no longer sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed..

Shaking hands with someone who has been driving is also on my list of banned activities because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one’s nose.

I don’t touch any woman’s purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.

I now I use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing because we know about the rat poop in the glue on envelopes and I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money, but that won’t be a problem once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program and then cash that check for $1.5 million that’s coming from that widow in Uganda.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa’s Novena has granted my every wish.

I won’t accept drinks in a bar from a strange woman because I’ll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.

I don’t eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I now know that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

I always take someone along to watch the car while I’m buying gas so a serial killer doesn’t crawl in my back seat when I’m filling up.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Fanta since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put ‘Under God’ on their cans.  I don’t use Procter and Gamble products for the same reason.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.

I won’t boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face… Disfiguring me for life.
I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda agents in disguise.. And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I am going into business to sell knock-off cookies from Neiman-Marcus since I now have their recipe

I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

I no longer pick up change dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over..

I no longer drive my car because buying gas from some companies supports Al Qaeda, and buying gas from all the others supports South American dictators.

I can’t do any gardening because I’m afraid I’ll get bitten by the Violin Spider (Loxosceles reclusaand -aka Brown Recluse) my hand will fall off.

If you took this blog seriously you need to copy and paste and send it as an e-mail.  If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s best friend’s beautician …


February 24, 2010 - Posted by | Life near an Iowa Cornfield | , , , , ,

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