Vulcan Stev's Database

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Vulcan Stev Family Movie Review: GI Joe The Rise of Cobra

Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje …  Heavy Duty
Christopher Eccleston …  James McCullen / Destro
Grégory Fitoussi …  Baron de Cobray
Joseph Gordon-Levitt …  The Doctor / Rex Lewis
Leo Howard …  Young Snake Eyes
Karolina Kurkova …  Courtney A. Kreiger / Cover Girl
Byung-hun Lee …  Storm Shadow
Sienna Miller …  Anastasia ‘Ana’ DeCobray / Baroness
David Murray …  James McCullen – 1641
Rachel Nichols …  Shana ‘Scarlett’ O’Hara
Kevin J. O’Connor …  Dr. Mindbender
Gerald Okamura …  Hard Master
Ray Park …  Snake Eyes
Jonathan Pryce …  U.S. President
Dennis Quaid …  General Hawk

Synopsis: An elite team made up of allied military personel fights the good fight.  Adding new members to the team, the unit takes on Destro, the Baroness, Storm Shadow and witnesses the birth of a new world-wide terrorist organization, Cobra.

Reviewers: Vulcan Stev, Pvt. Black Spartan (formerly known as PIT #1), PIT #2, PIT #3

VS – 1.5 pointed ears
I am a fan of the Larry Hama comic book series published by Marvel Comics.  I still own my complete set of G.I. Joe comics.  I am one of those fans that felt the cartoon was an absolute waste of air time.  I can recite you chapter and verse of Storm Shadow’s origin, his transformation from villain to hero and back.  In my mind Scarlett and Snake Eyes are a couple and the Pit was originally located under the Chaplain’s assistant School at Fort Wadsworth.

I am one of the fans that Hasbro and Paramount did NOT want to alienate with this two hour introduction to another potential box office franchise.  For the most part the producers were successful.  This is not a film based on reality.  It is not a treatise on how to fight terrorism.  It is a thriller from start to finish.

The producers were smart enough to set the movie into a continuity of its own without relying on the comic book or the cartoon series.  Stephen Sommers also had the brains to hire Larry Hama as a consultant on the film.  Larry Hama knows the G.I. Joe universe cold.

What did I think were the problems with this film?  First the implication that Rip-Cord was able to make it onto the team solely by being Duke’s friend.  G.I. Joe is supposed to be the BEST of the Best.  Those acceleration suits were completely unneccessary.  Brandon Fraiser’s cameo detracted from the film.  Finally excuse me for being a raving fanboy here… Scarlet and Snake Eyes 4Evar ’nuff said.

Pvt. Black Spartan – 1.8 pointed ears
This movie was nowhere near as bad as the critics implied.  My first trip off base to a civilian theater in forever would’ve been a treat if the theater didn’t have as many technical difficulties.  This movie is obviously a two hour preview for the actual series coming soon.

I had given this movie 2 pointed ears then proceeded to complain to Dad about the laughable military protocol.  Dad insisted that I deduct some for my complaints.  Most of the problems with military protocol and procedure are ones that non-military folks will never notice.

PIT #2  – 1.9 pointed ears.
This is my first exposure to the G.I. Joe universe.  I was suitably impressed with the concept that I’m looking forward to the actual movie.  This two-hour preview for the eventual movie is the best commercial I’ve ever seen.

PIT #3 – 2 pointed ears
This movie rocked.  There was absolutely nothing about this movie that made it bad.  Massive explosions, action, explosions, no kissing, explosions.  Did I mention the explosions?

7.2 pointed ears out of 8.

Aside from this being an obvious Part I, this movie provides  2 hours of mindless entertainment.  The violence is cartoonish at best.  If mild language and cartoon violence are acceptable then this is a nice way to spend an evening.

September 22, 2009 - Posted by | Movie Reviews, Movies | , , , , , , ,


  1. Wow. I disagree with nearly everything all of you said. I’m not saying that I didn’t have fun, but I swear I came out of that movie dumberer than when I entered.

    1 star out of 5. And I’m being generous, only because I have seen so many worse movies and because Cobra Commander saved it from being a complete waste of time.

    Also, I can’t believe none of you mentioned the weaponizing of the weapons OR Cobra Commander’s Magic Elevator OR how there was no consistency in the female characters (strong to damsel to idiot to damsel) OR “Celtic” isn’t a language OR the “I don’t know where to start with Ripcord’s no less than miraculous escape from death in the fighter” OR (and feel free to correct my Stev; I’m no scholar of Joe) Baroness is who!?

    Mind you, I liked the Cobra Commander origin while I HATED the Baroness’ origin.

    And lastly, was I supposed to Hate Duke for ditching the funeral, or feel some sort of sympathy for him? Cause, the moment we found out why he broke up with his girl is the precise moment I stopped thinking about whether or not I should feel guilty rooting for the bad guys… yet again.

    Actually, I’ve got more, but I’ll wait until it comes out on DVD and I’ll MotM it.

    Comment by Dr. Checkmate | September 22, 2009

  2. Dr. C. – Most of the stuff you mentioned are why It didn’t get a full 2 ears from me. However, I was expecting the movie to follow the cartoon continuity, that it didn’t raised my opinion of it. That said, My kids didn’t have the emotional investment that I do and they were able to see the movie on their terms.

    Was it as good as it could’ve been? No. Was it as bad as I was expecting it to be? No.

    Comment by Vulcan Stev | September 22, 2009

  3. Being fun and entertaining doesn’t excuse its being a horrible and stupid movie more full of plot holes and logical inconsistencies than it was… what? Patriotic fervor? Uhmmm… Character development? Honestly, was I supposed to laugh at it? Cause, with the exception of almost screaming at the screen and walking out when she said celtic… I laughed at almost all of it.

    When I do the MotM, I’ll come back to this and talk about those of your points that I did agree with.

    Comment by Dr. Checkmate | September 23, 2009

  4. Chalk my score up to the fact that I went in with VERY low expectations.

    Comment by Vulcan Stev | September 23, 2009

  5. I don’t grade on a curve 😉

    Comment by Dr. Checkmate | September 24, 2009

  6. […] G.I. Joe The Rise of Cobra as reviewed by the family. […]

    Pingback by Gaming in the Universe of: G. I. Joe « Vulcan Stev's Database | March 19, 2010

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